Espresso; the easy way.

Making Espresso on a professional espresso maker is one of those things that you see all the time at your local coffee joint. (Java Monkey, anyone?)

It also happens to be one of those things that looks easy until you actually have to do it. At which point you realize that it is in fact, really easy.

Here we have our intimidating Italian Espresso Machine Maker (Plus steamer, hot water dispenser, baby changing station).

Now, first step is to find someone who wants an espresso. This is made simple if you yourself want an espresso. For those of you who don’t, just be patient and I’ll come by shortly.

So, the first thing you need to identify is your espresso holder + handle thing, hereafter referred to as “dispenser.” Stay with me.

They look like this, and come in two types: one dispense and two dispense. Both shown here are two, but its easy to tell which is which, because the ones only have one drip canal.

Once you have your dispenser, open up the trash and bang it on the bar to get rid of the old, used up grounds.

Now you’re ready to put your own espresso grinds in. Stick the dispenser in the grinder, and pull the lever. Once for one, thrice for two (two, sir, TWO). Umm, make that Once for one, twice for two.

Then tamp it down with the smoosher. Make sure it’s good and packed. (No joke, this is serious stuff. You could get stabbed here for not tamping with vigor.)

Next step: attaching the dispenser. It requires a steady aim and a firm grip. Once you find the groove it fits in, crank it around till its good and tight, or else steam could escape and blow the whole thing off the machine.

There’s a small lever just to the right of the dispenser once it’s locked in. Pull it toward you. You should hear much moaning and groaning from the machine. Be patient! You’re only a few steam blasted seconds away from a perfect cup of espresso!!

After a second or so, the blood will start to flow. Did I say blood? I meant espresso.

When it’s full to your level of liking, push the lever back into place. The excess steam should be shot out somewhere. Keep your face away from that somewhere. This is not a spa.

Finally, plate it up like its your last tea party, and have at thee!

Don't be shellfish...