Harrumph

So, I’ve decided something. Now, I’m going to tell you, but you can’t tell anyone that I told you, ok?

Here it is: Italian cuisine doesn’t please me as much as other cuisines do.

There, I said it.

I have been trying to think to myself, when was the last time that I extremely enjoyed a meal? The only times I could think of were in Atlanta and Boston.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I like Italian food just fine, and if it’s done well, it can be enjoyable. I can eat a plate of pasta, or risotto, or veal, anything, and say “mm, that was good.” You won’t find me moaning in ecstacy though, like I do at some Thai or Japanese places.

I don’t crave Italian food like I do Asian food. (Or even American food for that matter. I was reading a post today about Philly Cheesesteaks (with picutres, I might add), and I nearly slobbered on the keyboard.)

There have been very few times, here in Umbria, that I have eaten something and it has been a revelation, like so often happens for me in the states. This is why, when I was in Rome, I ended up eating TWO of my meals at a little Chinese place. I just needed something stir-fried, with really spicy oils and sauces. Hell, even the pepperoncini here aren’t anywhere near as hot as Thai, or even South American chilies.

Last night, I went into Spoleto, prepared to have a very good meal. I was hoping for a meal that would break me out of “castle food” mode (which I had been spoiled by, and gotten used to), and get me back into “haut cuisine.” There is no haut cuisine in Spoleto.

This was the second restaurant that I had dined in, and they were both “good.” They served decent food, prepared properly, (if slightly underseasoned), with good service.

Both times I had the tasting menu, and both times I left full. At no point during either meal did I sit back and say to myself, “wow.” I even went all-out, trying to see if they could impress me. I asked for the 3 course tasting menu, ended up getting 5, and ordered a bottle of wine, limoncello, and a caffe, and the total, with service, came to 40 euro.

I felt cheated, like I deserved a better meal than this. I wanted Clio, Veritas, Seegers, Pho 79, a Publix Sub, Moe’s Burritos, Tacqueria del Sol, ANYTHING. Now, it really was not a bad meal. I just was willing, and was utterly craving, a much more upper end one. Don’t get me wrong, I really do enjoy any level of food, as long as it is fresh, prepared well, and exciting. I enjoy a $4 bowl of Pho as much as a $34 daube provincial at Veritas, or $6 Publix sub as much as a $80 tasting menu at Seegers. Honestly, I enjoy all food equally (so long as it’s really, really good). This is where the rant part applies. I’m not saying that I need to be eating $50 and up meals every day, I just want food that I really enjoy. In Boston, I can eat amazing thai for lunch, and phenomenal Indian for dinner, and spend $25, total. I can also spend $100, and have a life-changing experience at Uni, but that’s another post.

Now, I’m sure I can get something like Veritas, or Seegers in Rome, but so far, the places that I have eaten have been relatively similar to last night. I ask the concierge for a very upscale “Ristorante”, and they send me to places with bumbling waiters serving very decent food at very reasonable prices.

Now, they may be sending me to these places because I am not a suit-wearing “adult,” but I’m really getting frustrated by it. Anywhere in the states, I am taken seriously as a guy who likes really unbelievable food. I can walk into Veritas, a place that doesn’t really attract the “chic” or young crowd, and be treated just as well as the 55 year old investment banker sitting next to me who is drinking his $300 bottle of vino.

It’s hard for me to find places like the ones I am looking for, because there are not terribly great resources for it. Fodors sucks, generally. Michelin is good, but there aren’t any Michelin stars around here, that I know about, and there are not many coherent online resources here for food, that I can find. eGullet is great for big cities, but doesn’t help me in Umbria.

So this post isn’t a total waste of me ranting (and completely being spoiled) about how I “should be able to find better;” here is my semi-biased review of “Ristorante Aristocrate,” aka, the place I went last night.

I ended up choosing this place, because it was around 10PM, and it was one of the only places that was still serving and looked crowded on a Monday night. I was seated in a corner table, which ended up being a good spot, as I could look into the pass, and have a clear view of the whole room.

I couldn’t decide whether or not to take pictures, since it was dark enough to require a flash, but there was no way in hell you can get me to use a flash in a restaurant. So I ended up putting the camera on “night mode” and seeing how it would turn out. It didn’t turn out well. Sorry.

Anyway, I believe that they thought I was some sort of reviewer, since the chef personally brought out every plate. He brought out some plates for others, but he brought every single one of mine, and explained the dishes.

This could have been because I was a solo diner, but it was nice anyway.

The first course was simple, melon with proscuitto and grapes. I like this combo, and it was done just fine. (Though, we do get fresher melon at the castle, go figure)

The bottle of red wine that came with the tasting menu ended up being my favorite part of the meal. Now, I don’t know a lot about wine, but I really enjoyed this one. It had a strange quality to it. It was a young wine (2003), and when I drank it, it made my tongue tingle, as if I was drinking a carbonated beverage. Now, this may not be a sought after quality in wine, but I liked it anyway.

The second course was odd. It was described as “Farm-style, grandmothers “panzanella.” So I didn’t really have a clue what to expect.

What I got next was odd. It was sort of a salad of cold polenta, cucumbers, tomatoes and parsley. It was very mushy and very bland. This was the least favorite thing I ate.

Next was supposed to be Frascarelli with asparagus, porcini mushrooms and cherry tomatoes, but the chef explained that he was not satisfied with the asparagus at the market that day, and didn’t buy any.

It was good, but some of the pieces of pasta were a bit too large, and therefore hadn’t cooked enough. Oh well, this was my second least favorite dish.

The meat course was good. It was local trout, with shaved truffles, and roasted onions with a mound of leeks and potatoes with a roasted tomato on top. The trout was cooked perfectly, if a bit under seasoned, and the Umbrian black truffles complemented well.

The most enjoyable food I had was the intermezzo and the dessert. The intermezzo was a house made strawberry and grapefruit sorbet. It was delicious, and just the perfect amount. The only annoying thing about it, was the spoon was too big, and I had to leave a bit in the bottom. I had to stop myself from scooping it out with my finger.

The dessert was solid. It was a almost-mouse on the bottom almost-dense-chocolate-cake on top, and ended the meal well. It’s possible that I liked it more since it was the only chocolate thing I had eaten in 2 months, but even so, it was good.

Afterwards, I attempted to find a “Reciracarte” for my stupid, useless, non-functioning, service-unavailable, espece de con, bastardo, culo, merde of a phone. Now, the phone itself works just fine, it’s the service that I absolutely hate.

There is no such thing as “monthly plans” in Italy. You buy minutes, at tabaccherias. While this seems fine, it really isn’t, especially when you like a few miles from the nearest place to buy them.

Even when I buy the 50 euro cards, I run out in no time flat when I call the states, and I always need a new one. Now, this wouldn’t be so hard if you could call and use your credit card. But this is Italy, that’s too easy.

In order to remotely charge your phone, you have to GIVE THEM ACCESS TO YOUR BANK CODES, so they can take it out themselves. Not gonna be doin that in the near future.

Talking about banks, though, I thought I might share this warning with you. This cracked me up.

Anyway, once I was done with my meal, and got some cash (oh yeah, forgot to mention that too, you can’t buy reciracartes with credit cards, only cash), I went to find an open tabaccheria.

The one that said it was open until 2 AM had closed by 12. Everywhere else was closed, and there was no way else to buy one. I wandered around, angry, until I found a bar, with a bunch of 30+ Americani standing around and drinking. I hung out there for a bit, and then left, determined to find a reciracarte before I went back.

I stuck my head in an open bookstore, and asked. They directed me to a piazza about a km up the hill that had a 24 hour cigarette dispenser that also sold reciracartes. When I got there, they were right. I tried to put a 20 euro note in, but alas, the highest note that the machine took was 5 euro.

I had to go to TWO different places to get enough change to buy a 30 euro card. When I finally got the card, I sat down at a closed café to recharge my phone, finally.

I scratched the code off the back of the card, called up the “automated 24 hour, instant recharge number,” and OF COURSE, it didn’t work. Instead of telling me to put the # in like it always does, it just kept saying “one moment, transferring your request.” And then hanging up.

I was so mad I nearly destroyed the phone.

Then I got some gelato and life was better.

Next time, I’m going dressed like this:

Don't be shellfish...